Category Archives: February 2010

Video Game Based on Philly

From: [email protected]
Subject: videogame based on scary Philly

The long awaited high profile video game HEAVY RAIN was released this week for the PS3.
A french company based the game’s environment off of Philly.
“What we discovered in Philadelphia was beyond anything we could imagine. We saw despair. We saw violence. We saw fear”

full story:

Oh Philadelphia

From: [email protected]
Subject: Oh Philadelphia

I have been to many cities in this country and none were as disappointing as Philadelphia.
Why you might ask?
Was it the food?
Was it the people?
What oh what! pray tell was it that made our stay so unbelievably terrible.

For starters, the love park was so far from lovable that the pigeons came only to crap. I saw maybe two normal people in the vicinity NO ONE ELSE WAS HUMAN…………Everyone else looked like they fell out of a horror flick on the way to the funny farm. People were talking to themselves and some were dressed like vagabond ex Jedi’s looking for a new republic.

Then………the smell!!!!!!!

I’m from New York City and we most certainly have our fair share of odoriferous offenses, but this new devil of a scent that crawled out the ass of a three thousand year old cheese steak was unbearable. The hairs residing in my nostrils all balled up into fists in protest. The only thing I loved about this park was the Love sign, and it was no where near as big as they make it out to be.
Before leaving this sad, sad little park behind, we worked up the nerve to ask someone to take a photo of us in front of the sign, only to be snubbed by some sorry looking band fairy that was far to occupied with the JOY that is his life, to stop for a moment and take a picture of us.

Another member of the Philadelphian Brotherhood of love came into range only to put his head down and fiercely shake it no as if to say, SURELY NOT I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I too can not be asked to stop and take a photo of a you and your girlfriend. NO NO, you mustn’t ask me, I am far too busy.

Can you believe that?

To make matters worse, a french couple that happened to be visiting Philly was more than happy to stop and take our photo. Shit man, if the French are being nice to you, then you know something is fucked up with Philadelphia.

The long and peaceful walk to the Museum made famous by Sylvester Stallone for his portrayal of Rocky Balboa was marred by the evil eyed glares of unkempt fashion starved denizens. Never have I encountered such miserable people!
And by the way Philly! If you can hear me? Stop taking so much credit for Rocky, Its creator was from NEW YORK. Wiki that to some Neil Young with a box of kleenex.

The food, or should I say the lack thereof was terrible, Nothing was good, even the beer was warm and pasty. We could have been served 12 times in New York City by the time our food came to us. My Girl took one bite of that crap and said NO! I refuse to eat that. I tasted it and wished for a bowl of barf to make the taste go away. Upon settling my bill I handed it to the waitress with my insults to the Chef. The Philadelphia Fish & Company restaurant was a complete disappointment. I recommend you stop serving food and apply for
a spot on Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares.

And should you need a restroom?
be prepared to share it with the building next door, but not until you walk though a maze of hallways and staircases like a rat chasing cheese. I heard it was once the fattest city in America, and that the people that live there are accustomed to gorge festivals of orgasmic proportions. In the ten plus hours we were there, we saw very few reputable restaurants, all of which proudly wore these Zagat rated stickers from 5 years ago. I swear the next time I find myself there, and that’s probably going to be never, I’m packing my own food and a pot to piss in.

All in all it could have been worse, and in the spirit of giving I’d like force this advice down the throats of all who reside in Philadelphia. Make sure to live up to your city’s namesake. It’s a shame that the “City of Brotherly Love” was used to describe your PUTRID ROTTING WASTELAND. You are truly New York going backwards in slow motion and I wish Cheese Steak induced Diarrhea upon you.

The Olympics

From: [email protected]
Subject: (no subject)

All my intelligent sports fans know I am the real world champion aau Olympic gold medal not that jabroni the Dan Carcillo, he is worse than Brain Blair, I can only fuck him, and fuck his sister. He suck cock worse than paul, worse than elton john, worse than ultimate warrior….have a nice day